My Friend Eric...

My friend Eric came to Riverview with me on Sunday. Hols introduced him as the friend whom I met in a junkyard. Which is totally true, but it sounded like we met there last week, which made it funnier. I have known him for the better part of ten years. He is one of my closer friends….and I would say he believes in God but isn’t a Christian. He doesn’t really like organized religion…and I can’t blame him on that one. It was so cool that he actually came to church with me…didn’t think that would ever happen. After church HMB, Eric, and I went to eat some Jersey Giant Subs. Good food!

He was telling us this story about this "church" his company is putting exterior brick on and these guys who work construction for him. He said the guys have manhood issues. He went on to explain how each one tries to prove how big his cahonies are, and how many guys they’ve beat up or could beat up. This one guy who voluntered from the church was a high school guy and talked a ton of trash. He said he was studying to be a black belt from the pastor. He also said that the pastor would just keep hitting him in the face until he could block the punch! The hard-knocks way to martial arts. (This reminded me of the self defense instructor from Napolean Dynamite).

Eric-"He would've hit me in the face once, and I would've kicked him in the balls!"

Then there was this other 60 year old guy who claimed to hold over 30 world weight lifting titles. Eric said he was nice, but really old. Eric also said the guy wasn't strong enough to sqeeze a hot glue gun! So he felt like he was surrounded by guys still living in the past or thinking they had to be the toughest man and one up the other.

Eric- “I wish they would just take it out back and settle it once and for all. I would just club them all once with a 2 x 4 and walk away!”

We all laughed…he really is hilarious. He then goes to tell us he doesn’t really care who is toughest or how many people they were able to beat up while in 11th grade. Like I said his sarcasm is so funny.

Eric- “If they want to see just how much of a man they are, they should come spend a couple of hours with my four kids. Try taking an elbow the size of a quarter to your left testicle and see how tough they are. Think about it...have you ever seen how pointed and sharp little kids elbows and knees are...they are like leathal weapons. I have seen my father drop like a rock because my daughter's head was waist high and she ran to give him a hug...and smack! I have never seen a grown man drop so fast! He had to hold onto the fridgeto keep him from falling to the ground. Or how about waking up to a poop filled diaper to the face as your kids jumping on you to get up and make breakfast...that will test your real manhood.”

He then procedes to tell us about this "church" he was invited to in Maryland which they were doing brick work for. He said the only way you could attend the service was through an invite...it wasn't open to the public. They had a service that lasted like 4 hours long on Sunday, like 2 hour services on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Eric and his buddies debated on going. "What if we get stuck there and it sucks...we are there for frickin' four hours! But get this...and they had cheerleaders running up and down the isles during the service. That is what got them to go :oP. After he went with some of his worker buddies, they concluded that it was a cult. He also said the Pastor sounded like a salesman and said that "it was peoples' duty to give money to the church for God and it could be spent at his descrestion..."

Eric-"I guess that is why the dude rolls in a 2005 Escalade with $12000 optional wheels."

He said this one guy from the church invited them over for dinner one night and treated his wife like she was his maid or servant. They were going to take their shoes off because they were muddy and the gentleman said "don't worry...leave them on... my wife will mop it up later." He then proceeded in ordering her around and to wait on them hand and foot...and she did.

Eric-"If I ever treated my wife like that she would beat my face in with a bat!"

When we came back from eating and story time, we decided to go online to see the video feed of this church...it was odd for me....but we all laughed and watched them sing a song that lasted a good ten minutes and it just repeated itself over and over and the pastor jammed on the organ. We also saw the cheerleaders...and the guy who orders his wife around...the weight lifting champion...and the kid who thought he was Jean Claude Van Damn.

I wonder what Eric thought about our church?